Rewrite the following Memo document.
INFORMATION/PROCEDURE MEMO BAD VERSION
DATE: September 5, 201x
TO: All Employees
FROM: Stephanie Campbell, Director, Human Resources
SUBJECT: How to Park Free at DataTech
Parking here at DataTech is free unless you don't follow the parking guidelines, and then you get ticketed. Because you aren't following the policies, we knew it was time to send this reminder.
Day-shift employees should park in Lots A and B in their assigned spaces. They will be ticketed if they don't register their cars. Everyone needs to display the white parking stickers on their cars. Remember that it's a MAJOR violation if you park at the curb before 3:30 p.m. because that area is for visitors and swing-shift employees.
Swing-shift employees may park in any empty space after 3:30 p.m. They have the option to park at the curb before 3:30 p.m. However, don't park in curb spaces marked for handicapped, van pool, or car pool vehicles.
All employees must register their cars and display a parking sticker. These white registration stickers should be placed on your back bumper on the driver's side. Pick them up in the Human Resources Division from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. on weekdays. But to make it convenient for you, they will be in the cafeteria on September 10 from 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. and from 3 to 5 p.m.
We're trying our best not to issue tickets. You can help by following these suggestions.
- - - - - - - - - -
WEAKNESSES
Opens with subject line that does not clearly summarize the main idea.
Begins negatively by blaming everyone for parking violations.
Confuses readers with poorly organized presentation.
Uses faulty expression with vague pronouns, voice shifts ("you," "they"), and poor transitioning from one sentence to the next.
Uses accusatory rather than helpful tone. Fails to seek cooperation.
Fails to use graphic highlighting effectively.
Uses two blocked paragraphs when three categories with bulleted items would be more effective (All Employees, Day-Shift Employees, and Swing-Shift Employees).
Does not conclude with number or person to call in case receiver has questions.
essential of business communication Ninth Canadian Edition.
rewrite
